Key differences and does it really matter?
If you are like many people in a toxic relationship you have probably drove yourself crazy over thinking and over analyzing. Asking yourself questions such as is my partner a true narcissists or just has an avoidant personality?
These two types of personalities and disorders do have very similar traits. However, their reasons behind them are distinctively different.
Both the avoidant and the narcissists are insecure and have low self esteem. The avoidant genuinly feels like everyone is better than them and they are not deserving of love and happiness. Their behaviors are more fear based. They try to avoid drama and anything that requires them to show their vulnerabilities. They prefer to stay to themselves and may be considered an introvert.
A narcissists feels they are better than everyone else and genuinly thinks they are entitled to everyone and everything and everyone should be responsible for their happiness. Narcissists are very judgemental negative angry resentful people. Although, on the inside they honestly feel very insecure and know they are not a good person they will do everything to put out into the world that they are very confident and love themselves. They are very good at manipulating and controling their environment.
They can become who and what they need to be. This is why in a relationship the worse thing you can do is lay out in detail exactly what you want from the Narcissisits. Ironically, they will give you everything on that list and be the perfect partner, but that is only during the time they are grooming you and slowly manipulating you into who they want. The person they want is the person who caters to all their wants and needs and gives them plenty of attention and sympathy and never questions their motives or character. They are looking for a mother and caregiver. However, don't be fooled to think they will be any of these things for you.
At one point in your relationship you may be finally ready to walk away. You offer one last attempt for them to show you that they love you and stop with their nonsense. You spell out for them what you need in order to stay. Suprisingly they suddenly become all you ever dreamed! Your thinking wow I am the luckiest person to have such an amazing partner in my life!
Avoidants usually do not set out to hurt others on purpose. They do not set out to manipulate and control their partners. Avoidants are not usually attention seekers and conduct calculating manipulative behaviors to draw attention to themselves. Avoidants usually do not have inflated egos or are concerned about their pride and self image.
Narcissists on the other hand are aware of their bad behaviors and do go out of their way to hurt others. Their mentality is they are going to hurt you before you hurt them. They want everyone else to feel they are inferior to them. Narcissists will make their partners feel guilty for their bad behaviors. They are repulsed by others who are happy and fullfilled. If a narcissists discards you and you go on being happy without them that will enrage them, because their goal was to hurt you and make you miserable without them in your life. If you go on to be happy that means they have lost all control over you. They love out of ego not from their heart.
Avoidants can have some empathy and compassion. They will feel bad if they hurt you. Their actions and behaviors are more of a protection mechanism and isn't meant to punish or hurt you intentionally.
Narcissists solely think of themselves and can not feel any compassion or empathy for others. They can do the cruelest thing to their victims and not have a bit of remorse for their actions. Infact if you were to point out their bad behavior they not only would deny it, but they would go on to do something even worse to punish you for viewing them in such a negative light. A narcissists fake self image means everything to them. They must stand out to be superior to everyone else. They put themselves on the highest pedalstool and expect everyone else to keep them their.
Putting a label on someones personality disorder does not make any real difference to the true victim. Whether your being mistreated and disrepected by an avoidant or a narcissists the outcome will be the same. You still had to deal with the hot and cold behavior, the lieing, cheating, and constant silent treatments and feeling lost, confused and worthless.
When someones mental well being is affecting their daily life and how they view themselves the true question is does it really matter what is causing this person to mistreat me in this manner? Do I want to continue being in a loveless one sided relationship where my partner can not offer me the simple things such as true commitment, honesty, compassion and consistency?
If you or someone who know is in a toxic relationship I fully understand the difficulties of walking away and having to leave someone you love. Trust me when I tell you it doesn't get better. They can not truly change until they can emotionally mature and acknowledge the affects their behaviors are having on others. They need the capability to put others needs and wants before their own and most if not all times they do not have this within them. They may be able to pull it off in the short term, but not for a life long healthy committed relationship.
If you need someone to talk to and would like help in recovery and healing from a toxic relationship please reach out. My passion and mission is to help empower people just like you to go on living happy healthy lives. The very first step is for you to have a healthy relationship with yourself. Your mental wellbeing and choices begin and end with how you view your own self and how you allow others to treat you. I offer Toxic Relationship Recovery Programs as well as Self Development and Growth. You are a thriver and survivor! Let them go on to be the victim! Contact me today! Empower Your Health-Empower Your Life!
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